i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
