Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
