people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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