you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
