wanna go halves on a baby?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
