Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
