Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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