laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We left the knife in your bed.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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