I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
