Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
