The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
