i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
