I want to have your abortion
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
