Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
