I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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