Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
