i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
