well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
