i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
