You work out of a Hotel?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think I won the penis lottery.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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