i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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