Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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