I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
