apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
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My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.