Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
