"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
