sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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