I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
