I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
