New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
True strength comes from lack of pants
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
