This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
