I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
