I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
