Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
