just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
