just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
