4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
