I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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