I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
