I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
FUCK WHALES
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