I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
