I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
