My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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