So drunk its hurt
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
