I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
