i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
