just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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