Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
