I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
this boner is exhausting
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
