if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
