you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
