Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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