I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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