she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
