I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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