Your face is a jimmy john
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
